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The trees spun around me as I rushed through the forest. Squirrels ran around my feet while birds sang happy little tunes. The world was bright and chipper without a single flaw. I felt positively happy looking at the sun peeking through the trees. The world couldn’t be any better I thought to myself while streaking through the trees but in a moment it was. I heard the tromping of feet next to me and found Jasoc running beside me. We smiled at each other happy to be care free for once in our life. Jasoc’s normally worry stricken face was lively and danced with his rare smile that seemed to make the sun brighter. My world was complete.
I looked to my left and saw that Urth had joined my happy party of two and had made it three. Urth’s normally happy face seemed worn and frayed as if our happiness dampened his spirits. After poking and prodding at him to find what the matter was, something happened to Urth’s face. It seemed to be peeling away at the edges and soon we found that Urth had a second face. His real face became enraged and he stopped running to spin around to look Jasoc in the eyes. Urth’s eyes did not hold his cool brown color but seemed to hold fire. His face was contorted in a sneer of shear disgust. I was intensely afraid. Was this really the nice calm Urth that I knew?
Suddenly Jasoc’s back glowed bright yellow through his t-shirt showing the dragon insignia underneath. He writhed on the ground in unseen pain and Urth’s face broke out in a cruel grin. I cried out to Jasoc asking him what was wrong. Jasoc let out a heart wrenching wail and burst into flames. He was gone. I sobbed for the loss of my friend, what had Urth done?
I turned around to face the animal I had once called my friend. Urth let out a blood thirsty howl and lunged at me. I felt the acceptance of death not wanting to live without Jasoc and closed my eyes. Urth let out another blood thirsty cry, not of joy but pain. I opened her eyes to see him encased in the same flame that had taken Jasoc. His face was contorted in pain now. He had his original face back on and he was pleading for help. I ran away instead.
The sky turned from bright chipper blue to deep black and the moon shined a bloody red. Fearing that something would come for me next I fled running. Looking down I noticed I was no longer wearing a fingerless glove on my left hand and the dragon insignia on my palm was glowing bright green.
Suddenly I was surrounded by figures wearing black cloaks with hoods over their heads. They were the high keepers, the people I feared most. From seemingly nowhere paper came fluttering down, and then I burst into green flame.
for my book, this is a dream but i dont know how to word it right
there all in diffrent places, one has it ne his back and there just element signs now i realized that could be considerd plagerizing i just have some that still need to be changed
it’s in italics in word, it was normal here for some reason
This is my suggestion and always helps me out when writing:
Read through each sentence and put what you want to change (if you feel the need to) on another piece of paper. Once you’ve done that, apply the changes to your story and think about how the syllables all the way up to paragraphs run together. If you spot anything that doesn’t sound right jot it down and then apply to your writing again. This may take a bit but it will give you a very nice flowing paragraph with thorough and detailed thoughts.
Another thing you should think about when you write; does the reader understand? To you your writing will make perfect since, but pretend that your the reader and absolutely clueless and see if you can understand what you wrote still. But clearly I don’t understand this because I have not read your book from the start.
Now, for what you need to fix in this paragraph.
1.) more figurative language. Example: instead of saying " I cried out to Jasoc asking him what was wrong," you could say, "Desperate, I called out to Jasoc begging of him what was wrong, but saw only his face strained with agony." So add some similes and metaphors in there and it will help a lot.
2.) There’s not too many grammar mistakes, but beware of comma placement along with past/present tense.
3.) Word choice. Make sure your words apply to the tone and mood of the scene and don’t be repetitive. Something as simple as looking at a thesaurus will help.
4.) The flow. Make sure all your thoughts fit well together- sort of like a puzzle.
Besides that your basically fine, just keep taking constructive criticism and this will become a masterpiece in no time. And remember….edit, edit,edit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good luck and keep writing.
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